My Blog

i nv did understand many things…

wat i noe is i seem to be on a downward spiral… so many things are happening… every1 seems to tink i can tolerate all these… work… personal… they expect me to be strong and march on like as if is nothing… i cant ok… all these burden is juz too freakin heavy for me to bear…

i cant be a superwoman and mother every1…every1 comes to me for info…i AM EXPECTED to give information… even if i have REPEATED so many freaking times… so wat if u are in a higher position den me… i do not like to be instructed like an idiot on how things shld be done… i juz do it in the way tat e company deems right… so wat if my jobscope requires me to service ‘internal’ customers… i am still a co-collegue… i am not under any1 else… juz my own boss…

i noe i am whining away but i cant help it… i can nv tell my own boss abt all these… it will nv be understood… i noe this blog can be viewed by many pple… but i guess tis is the purpose.. cos i am seriously darn tired… all these is really draining me… i nv had been in a stage where i felt like tearing so often… i meant i had tried my best to be strong… i have a new gal under me… i dun wan to frighten her away… i need to be here always to ans her qns… this industry is so new to her… she is a hardworking gal… she tries her best to understand the system.. our biz… i cant lose my temper at work.. i cant do anyting… i cant vent out my anger… all these is anger/sadness are building up in me… argh… i hate this…

i used to not believe in ot… i believe tat if i did my work right.. should be able to finish on time or max.. within an hr after knock off time… but nooooooooooo…. once promoted… i ended up doing 2 persons’ job… nvm.. it’s ok wif me… i juz get to learn more.. but nooooooooo … every1 take it i am superwoman… take it i can HANDLE other stuff OTHER den my WORKSCOPE… so i ended up doing more and more ot… imagine my work time.. during normal work time… i have to entertain customer and CLOWNS’ enquiries… the only real time i can do my paper work is like after the clowns have KNOCKED OFF ON TIME and gone home, leavin me to do my work in peace… now.. my new gal leans on me heavily as she is new… i have to be her pilliar of support… but the clowns dun understand… noooooooooooooooooooooo… i have to be at their service EVERY moment… i have to REACT immdiately to ALL their requests… kindly bear in mind… i am NOT only doing ur STUFF… kindly get in LINE… the LINE is getting longer.. PLEASE bloody learn to Q!!!!!

i have already tolerated all these nonsense for 3 years… the other time i really felt like tis when my own sup juz left… i bcome the pillar of support for my own dept… i cried dunoe how many donkey times… at least at tat time i was APPRECIATED… now.. seriously i tink i have fallen from grace in Her eyes… tis is damn freaking shitty ok…

to ALL: pls understand i am trying to stand up on my own 2 feet.. tryin to cope as well as i can… but i will STILL BREAK DOWN… i am a human being… i have EMOTIONS… or u all dun understand wat is EMOTIONS?

to YOU, yes YOU: u nv did wan to understand wat goes thru my life… wat i face each day… wat i am going thru… y i react in the way i did…

i am tired… really tired… i cant smile anymore…

i am told tat i been too much… too demanding… fine… i dun deserve to be pampered… i dun deserve care and concern… i dun deserved to be loved… happy now?

i shall go and wallow in self misery and not smile again… happy now?

"Losing Grip"

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby

Right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real            

Didn’t you feel me lock my arms around you

Why’d you turn away?

Here’s what I have to say I was left to cry there, waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare

That’s when I decided

Why should I care

Cuz you weren’t there when I was scared I was so alone

You, you need to listen I’m starting to trip, I’m losing my grip and I’m in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody’s place when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me, you used to hug me

But that wasn’t the case

Everything wasn’t ok I was left to cry there waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare

That’s when I decided

Crying out loud I’m crying out loud

Crying out loud I’m crying out loud

Open your eyes

Open up wide

Why should I care

Cuz you weren’t there when I was scared I was so alone

Why should I care

Cuz you weren’t there when I was scared I was so alone

Why should I care

If you don’t care then I don’t care were not going newhere

Why should I care cuz you weren’t there when I was scared I was so alone

Why should I care

If you don’t care then i don’t care we’re not going anywhere

smile is gone… tis cat has gone to hibernate… do not disturb… do not attempt to pat.. do not coax her…she is sick of pple pushing her aro… sick of human emotions… do not understand them. best left alone…

muz u do it everytime… muz u make me sulk.. muz u make me wan to tear? muz u say is my fault? u unhappy… i tried my means and ways to make u happy… u..did u… u tell me u dun wan to talk abt it.. den fine… we shall forever dun talk.

was talking to j dearie… hmm… was tinking… was i the one who drift away from Her? was i the one who stop talking to Her? i got no idea… at one pt of the time… i was so caught up wif my own life tat i din even tink abt it.. now when i have more time on y hand to ponder over this.. i wonder..

it takes 2 hands to clap… did i try to talk to Her? to communicate wif her… i guess i did try… mayb cos she was there i din talk much? or was it jealousy rearing its ugly head? sighz… i dunoe… juz felt things got bad to worse…

i dunoe how to tell Her i am unhappy.. really unhappy… she did ask me abt it… but i dun really noe how to tell Her… how to tell? i also dunoe how to explain… it seems like pettiness to me.. sighz…

i am so bogged down by work.. haiz… is juz simpy so much paperwork… so many qns to ans… so much uncertainly of who do wat… i not some1 who go round saying… "hey i did tat and this and tat… ALL MY CREDIT" i simply dun… so end She dunoe wat i doing and not doing… she would feel at times i am juz pushing work away and juz slow in my work.. how to explain to some1 who is already super bogged down wif work… I DUNOE HOW TO EXPLAIN…

plus right now.. a new gal is here.. i need to help her as much as i can… so i guess She dun understand this when i am slow in replying her.. in handing in my work… in responding to internal queries… i dunoe.. many wld have ask me to leave… but in the 1st plc.. i stayed cos of Her.. if not.. i guess i wld hv left like a yr ago? haiz.. i dunoe.. shit man.. all the i dunnos again..

yipee!! i finally bought my frangrance oil burner… keke… now my room can smell nice… of cos my room is already nice smelling… ok.. make it more cosy for me… im such a homebody now.. haha.. stay at home to read.. play com games… fooling aro wif facebook.. watch tv… hahaha… tink i need to go get a life.. BLA…

here comes the i dunnos again…

thanks to HER… my freaking memories are pulled up again… memories that i thot i have buried deep down… which i had so hope tat it stayed there… i thot i have gotten over the drinking stage… i thot i was strong enuff to not to drink everyday *i dun get myself drunk silly EVERYDAY… is juz a drink so i can slp in peace* last nite i was craving for a drink… cos i was not aslp at 2PLUS in the morn… i was so angry wif myself…super angry… cos i cant stop the memories from floating back… i juz cant… tears still roll down… oh tis feeling is soooooo shitty…

dearies i noe i told u i’m strong again… pls dun see tis random act as a form of weakness…

juz wan to whine it out… i din tell anyone of the stupid feelings i am getting cos i dun wan u all to tink otherwise of me.. i dun wan u all to tink i am weak… i dun wan u all to hide things from me… cos when i find out abt it… i will be even more hurt…

i was terribly disappointed recently… it was a happy event… a gathering… why did u wan to spoil it? mayb it was not on purpose on your part…  but ur actions… ur words tat make feel super xian…

mayb u are super stressed out and frustrated at work… but who isnt? u wan to release the stress… no prob wif us… but u dun go drinking everyday and expect us to give u care n concern when u say drunken words to us.. i heard u.. i heard u over the phone when i called KS… i was like ???… wat did i do to offend u? the rest of them said tat i over tink those words… but it was the way u say… the way it came out from yr mouth … it hurts ok…

we are ur frds… we are pple u DUN MAKE USE OF… i may sound harsh… but the actions that nite… made me tink tat way… L and KS made their way down to fetch u… they were SUPER concerned abt u and who u were wif.. THERE IS REAL FRDSHIP… but in the end… it seems.. to be a ploy to get them to fetch u.. i dun understand it… pls correct me if i am wrong… if i am wrong in the words i said… but it really seems that way…

u asked for a treat… he obliged u… u ended up not eating it and ta bao it back… u noe… how does it seems to the one who treated u?? did u even tink at it??

u mentioned that no one is listening to u… but can u be the one who listen to the conversation goin aro u… i too was in the middle… i too am talkative… but i dun mind keeping quiet and listen in to the two groups of conversations goin aro me… they will automatically draw u in dearie.. dun DEMAND it.. juz be accepted in… as E dearie said… she felt tat tis grp of pple are one of the closet she ever have… tis i agree…

u 2 felt tat a few persons in our grp are worthwhile frds… dun push them away.. dun demand so much attn till they give up on u…

but seriously i was very hurt by ur actions tat nite… tis is my 2 cents worth..

i ’stole’ this from judy’s blog… darn meaningful… hope tat i can actually follow wat is in it and appreciate life more… hope that it changes my dearie’ lives too..

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she’s blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?"
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying.
"Just take care of my eyes dear."

This is how humans change when their status changes . Only few remember what life was before, and who has always been there in the most painful situations.

Today before you think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who’s crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn’t clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around